In a relationships, there are 10 essential and surprising steps to take to build trust.
1. Establish a pattern of behavior. When do the seeds of mistrust begin to sprout? When one starts to wonder, “What’s going on?” What is he thinking by doing this? That’s something he’s never done before. That is completely out of character for him. He gets rid of 30 pounds, buys new clothes, and arrives at his residence late from work. He alters his behavior habits.
His actions grow more erratic. Do you see what I’m getting at? Any deviation from anticipated behavior might be seen as suspicious, and confidence can be eroded as a result. If you want to earn people’s trust, be consistent in your actions. Maintain consistency in your actions. This does not imply that you must be uninteresting.
Be spontaneous and fun-loving for god’s sake if you have that sparkle in your eye and a smidgeon of spontaneity every now and then. However, be spontaneous on a continuous basis! Identify with and remain consistent with your inner self, regardless of who you are or what you prefer to be!
When you become “unpredictable,” tell you’re significant other about it right away. No one ever returns to the same place in their lives. We all go through phases of transition and transformation. To be really honest, we may be completely oblivious to what is going on and where we are heading.
Those moments may be really stressful, and we may find ourselves doing idiotic things or making outright stupid judgments. Life may be quite unexpected and squirrelly at times. (I have a favorite statement that goes like this: Gold is purified by extreme temperatures.) The growth of a person, a marriage, or a family is frequently accompanied by a certain amount of disorder.
Accept these adjustments because there is a part of you that is yearning for something better/different/richer/deeper, but please, for the love of God, tell your spouse about what you are going through and why. “I’m not sure what’s going on inside of me right now, but I’m traveling on a new path,” you may say. Please be patient with me while I work out what I’m going to do.
I may do some dumb things, but my intention is never to hurt or terrify you. I’m just having fun. Please accept some of my musings and wanderings, and be there for me when I need you. Some of this may need that I run it past you on a regular basis!”
3. Double-check that your words convey the intended meaning. Meaning what you say and saying what you mean are two different things. It is possible for a relationship to spiral out of control if your spouse believes one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions are really communicating something completely different to them.
Which teaching is she to take as gospel? This may squander a significant amount of energy, and she may come to distrust a portion of what you are saying as a result. Here’s a very basic, but typical, illustration of what I mean. You’re getting ready to attend a fancy dinner with a group of people. Your wife approaches you and inquires, “How do I appear?” (On top of that, she’s wearing a dress you don’t really like and her hair is pushed back in a manner that you find offensive.)
In order not to ruin the event, you exclaim excitedly, “You look fantastic.” You don’t really mean it, and she has a sneaking suspicion that you don’t really mean it. However, you decide to leave it at that. The fact that we have all done something similar may not seem like a huge concern, but trust has never been strong, to begin with, and it is much more tenuous today. The following is an example of how to match the words with the nonverbal: ” “I believe that you are a lovely person.
I want you to be aware of this. I adore you, and it will be nice to have you by my side tonight as we celebrate our anniversary. Others will be able to appreciate your attractiveness. You place your hands around her waist as you say this, looking into her eyes the whole time you’re saying it. She is not too concerned with her appearance, but she is showing a need for validation instead. She’s not talking about her outfit or her hair; she’s talking about needing to know that everything is going to be OK for the evening.
Your answer is in response to the genuine message. If you want to go a step farther, you may do that as well. You may bring up her desire for validation at some time and have a conversation about it. Inquire with her if there is anything you can say or do to help her meet her needs. Trust is the understanding of the purpose hidden behind the surface of communication and the response to that intent!
4. Have confidence in the other person’s abilities. “But, I don’t want to harm him,” I hear a lot, and it always makes me smile. There are a few factors at play here. She may, for starters, lack the ability to confront someone about their actions and feelings in a manner that promotes reconciliation and understanding.
She feels that revealing the truth is either damaging or involves some kind of theater. Neither of these statements is correct. The truth can never be harmful and can always be spoken in a loving manner. (Having said that, what we assume to be the truth may in fact be a warped view that is tailored to our own requirements.) Alternatively, she may see the other person as a wimp, someone who she feels is incapable of dealing with a difficult personal encounter.
She doesn’t believe that the other person has the internal strength, endurance, or talents necessary to be in a relationship characterized by mutual respect and equality with herself. That individual catches up on this suspicion and responds accordingly (feigning incapacity and incompetence), so avoiding a personal confrontation as a result of the mistrust.
A dancing performance is staged. Have faith and confidence in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, behind all of the games, has the internal power and capability to deal with anything. Such trust instills confidence in the other person, which gradually permeates the whole partnership. “Hey, she believes I’m up to the challenge! That’s a very fantastic one, isn’t it? I CAN engage her and have a very personal relationship with her!”
5. Be very cautious when it comes to maintaining secrets. If he is aware that there is an elephant in the room but refuses to address it, the elephant takes up a significant amount of space in the relationship. For him to go around it, it takes a lot of energy. She may not be able to see the elephant, but she is aware that he is stretching his neck in order to look about.
She will be intrigued and moderately troubled, she will have sensations but will be unable to articulate them, she may question if anything is wrong with her, and she may have difficulty trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we are unable to trust the signals that come from inside ourselves, it becomes very difficult for us to accept the ones that come from others.
Secrets use a significant amount of energy and undermine confidence. The couple is cursed to never experience wall-banging intimacy again in their lives. This is one of the reasons why extramarital relationships are so detrimental. She is less worried about him having sexual relations with another woman than she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, lies, and dishonesty that are driving her insane and draining her vitality.
Please, don’t delay. What I’m not advocating is that you go into your relationship with your spouse and reveal the 23 secrets of your unlawful prior activities. As long as you have handled those issues (forgiven yourself), understood those actions, learned from them, and were able to utilize those experiences to affect internal alterations essential for your own growth, they do not qualify as an elephant in your life.
Hopefully, as your closeness with your spouse grows, you will feel comfortable sharing some of those moments with your partner as you reveal to him or her where you were and where you are now. You do it with no emotional charge attached to it. Alternatively, if a secret takes up space, that is, if it still has an emotional charge and prevents you from sharing more and more of yourself as your relationship progresses, you have an issue that has to be discussed with your partner.
6. Make YOUR requirements known — clearly and loudly. Be a bit – no, make that a lot – self-centered in your approach. (Be self-centered, but not at the expense of others!) Here’s a situation that I come up with on an almost daily basis. He’s taking a step back (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She is concerned about the erosion of trust and closeness in their relationship, and she is determined to “get him back.
” Therefore, she embarks on a comprehensive attempt to “work on the marriage.” She extends an invitation to him to do the same. He may consent only after much persuasion. She charges forward at full speed, attempting to “be kind” and satisfy every desire he has ever said he has had. “I’m going to fill his tank with goodies,” she says. This does not work.
The focus of her attention is on him. It makes him feel “smothered” or even resentful: “Why is she doing this now?” he wonders. She starts off with optimism, but that soon develops into bitterness. Her underlying motivation – that if I fulfill his wants, he will feel good and meet my needs – just does not hold up under scrutiny. It’s seen as manipulation, which it certainly is. He, of course, doesn’t say anything at all.
It’s difficult to get angry with someone who is so “kind and compassionate,” after all. Confidence crumbles beneath a cloak of politeness and courtesy. Begin by keeping your gaze fixed on yourself. What exactly do YOU require? Investigate your own particular need system. Investigate the area under the surface.
After that, tell him, “I need x, y, and z.” I’d want to speak with you about these in more detail. I’d want to see if we can come up with a solution that would meet my requirements. “Do you think you’d be interested in that?” He has the authority to say yes or no. Alternatively, he may add, “What about my requirements?” “I am absolutely interested in hearing about the things that are important to you,” you say in response.
Have you ever been in the company of someone who was quite explicit about what they needed or wanted? Didn’t you have any respect for the individual? Wasn’t that encounter a step forward in terms of building a trustworthy relationship since you understood where he stood, and consequently where you stood?
7. State your identity clearly and loudly. It is quite painful to witness someone who is emotionally invested in a relationship withhold information about themselves from the other person. In order to create trust in a relationship, you must first trust the other person with your SELF. This seems to be simple, but I believe it is difficult for most people to do.
The majority of us have a tough time expressing ourselves. For starters, if you’re like the majority of us, you haven’t given much attention to what it is that distinguishes YOU as a unique individual. You may feel like you are cruising through life on autopilot, concentrating on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems, and the external realities, but this is not the case.
You tend to be preoccupied with those things or that person out there, don’t you think? You’re worried about what he’s thinking, how he’s reacting to you if he likes you, whether he’ll be an impediment, and how he’ll fit into your life; what do you do? You may have nice but shallow and, to put it frankly, boringly inane chats with others.
You talk about things/relationships/events that are happening in the world. You are apprehensive about sharing your opinions, views, and impressions, or taking a position. This does not erode confidence in the system. However, it does not cause it to exist. If you do decide to take a position, it may serve the function of shielding you or entrenching you in your decision to retaliate against someone.
This, more often than not, results in distrust between parties. Take some time to consider your own criteria. What are your expectations for a romantic relationship? What kinds of expectations do you have for yourself? What do you use as a compass to navigate your life? What are the four most important values in your life?
What are some of the concepts that guide your life? What do you want to be remembered for? After that, begin informing important individuals in the life of your decision. They will show you a lot of respect. They will have a better understanding of you. They will be grateful to you for providing them with the chance to get to know you. They will consider you to be a person of integrity. They will put their faith in you. They know they can rely on you. They are well aware of what is going on behind and inside you.
8. Acquire the ability to say NO! It’s okay to say no every now and then! It is often necessary to say no! When you say NO, you create a protective barrier around yourself, preventing you from getting injured or traveling into a terrain that would be harmful to your heart and spirit. You draw a line across the page.
You no longer tolerate anything that saps your vitality and makes you feel less than you really are. You are refusing to let the harmful activities of others damage your life or your relationships. You surround the most important parts of your life with a moat. This is accomplished by alerting the other individual of what they are doing. You request that they cease their activities.
If they don’t stop, you have the right to demand that they cease. If they don’t stop, just walk away without making a sarcastic remark, rolling your eyes, or making a joke. Although this may seem harsh to some, stating NO is RESPECTED. Mistrust is founded on a foundation of fear. If you are afraid that someone will injure you and feel that you have no choice but to suffer through that suffering, fear will win out over reason.
When you are experiencing fear, it is difficult to place your confidence in others. Saying NO and defending yourself sends a message to the other person that you will not be intimidated or fearful in the future. This frequently results in the other person responding with admiration and awe. After all, if you are able to defend yourself and refuse to be subjected to that which is damaging, would not the other person learn to trust you and perceive you as someone who just may be able to shield him or her from damage as well?
Neutral charge (number nine). In the event that your significant other says anything strongly, keep the charge neutral. The majority of us are terrified of having strong sentiments or having disagreements in a relationship. People frequently respond in one of the following ways: by defending themselves (against a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or simply leaving.
Without a doubt, the relationship is still mired in this pit of distrust and dread. Rather than responding and allowing your emotions to run wild or shut down, try charging neutral to keep yourself calm. Communicate serenity not just in your tone of voice, but also in the way you move your body during the conversation.
It is not appropriate to talk with an electric charge in your voice. Maintain control of your voice! Say what has to be said, tell the truth, and do it in a straightforward and calm manner. Once you have conquered your fears, you will be able to achieve this. It will have a significant impact on the flow of the connection. Your ability to point out something significant without making a huge issue about it will improve.
You will be in command of your own destiny. This not only feels amazing, but it also gives your spouse confidence that you will not go off the handle or fall apart. You will come to understand your own particular strength. Your attractiveness is enhanced as a result of this.
People are hesitant to put their faith in someone who understands their own personal power and knows how to utilize it for the good of themselves and others. Your spouse will appreciate the fact that she can rely on you to continuously operate from your “quiet center,” stay involved, refuse to back down, and tell the truth with conviction and calmly when the situation calls for it.
10. Make a hole in the ground. Relationships with emotional engagement are bound to bring with their hardships, tribulations, worries, upheaval, unrest, change, stretching, and progress by their very nature. These people become the raw material out of which your life is fashioned and molded. When confronted with upheaval, distress, crises, questions, and worries, maintain your composure.
When the moment is perfect, go out and find them. Make your way toward the terrifying unknown. Dig through the dirt of your relationship and unearth the riches. Do you truly believe that anything like this could happen? The goal of your relationship is not to make you happy, but rather to make the other person happy.
Do you have any idea what I’m talking about? Happiness may be a result, but the other is given to you in order to take you closer to where you actually want to be in your life. Obstacles, challenges, and painful experiences are provided as lessons on which you may actively write the screenplay of your life, both individually and as a community.
Accept the challenging situations. You may be certain that you will discover more of your actual self as a result of this embrace. Trust that you and your significant other will be provided with the resources and ability to deal with whatever comes your way. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate goals, you will find it much easier to put your confidence in your significant other as well.
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